Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Grandpa's Teeth

If you know my dad, you know he can be completely obnoxious, loud-mouthed and disgusting. The older he gets, the worse he gets and sometimes, as much as we love him, he is hard to be around. Meal time is the worst. I mean look at this:

That's a man on a mission, pork tenderloin the size of a house cat in hand. Would you want to sit across from this man while he woofs that down?? That's his best bud sitting "beside" him in the choice spot. Sorry D, I didn't take time to fuzz out your face...I'm on a time crunch here...so the world knows who you hang with. Sorry about your luck!

Most of Dad's mealtime problem is due to his teeth or lack of which drives my middle sister the dental hygienist absolutely bonkers! (note, no teeth in above pic) Due to head injuries, smoking, rubbing snuff and lots of indulgence over the years, dad's teeth literally were falling out of his head. The teeth were hard as rocks, but his gums had become tissue paper and wet tissue paper doesn't hold many rocks! So, over the course of last year he had several painful episodes of having his upper teeth removed, surgery to fix his mouth/bone structure and finally fitting for upper dentures, which still don't fit correctly. (They're in his t-shirt pocket in the above pic- he'd just cleared half a table by yanking them out and trying to pass them around.) First problem with all this teeth business is Dad will "...never get old. I'll out live all of ya!" Second problem Dad constantly reminds us, "You are so lucky you have a daddy this good lookin'!" Third problem--losing teeth and getting dentures signifies he's getting old and defy those first two problems. The fourth problem being he's a major wise ass and pulling his dentures out repeatedly just to screw with everyone makes him really hard to eat dinner with. Especially when we visit because my lovely daughter has a serious gag reflex at the mere thought of something disgusting. She doesn't have to see it. Mention vomit or slobber at the dinner table and your punishment is cleaning up her puke trail from the table to wherever she landed in crumpled heap on the floor. Even Monster Man at 4 years old knows this. Though bizarre side note- gutting and butchering deer does NOT bother her. We can talk blood and guts at the table, just nothing resembling saliva or vomit.

So we are eating dinner at an awesome sea food place, BackBay, while visiting mom and dad in Morgantown. Monster Man was fussing he wanted this, wanted that, wants his food NOW. He's STARVING and can't wait! We adults had been served our delicious crab soups and dad was divvying up bread trying to distract MM. Note that my dad doesn't share food...at all. You'll lose a limb trying to get food from anywhere near his plate, but he was offering bread, crackers, drink of his Bloody Mary, anything to get MM to chill out. MM stopped for a second and you could see the wheels spinnin' in that devious mind. He blurted out very loudly, "Grandpa? I want your......TEETH!! The ones out of YOUR HEAD!"

Oh my lord. We almost lost B right there. Just at the thought he might pull those teeth out. She'd only had a few sips of her juice and some crackers by this point, but she was turning three shades of green. Mom and I choked in surprise and laughter, tried not to waste that amazing soup by sputtering it across the table. Dad near lost his drink, asking, "What the hell did he say?!" Monster man squealed in delight that he'd made us all laugh and poor B hung her head between her knees and tried to keep her toenails from coming up through her esophagus. After mom slapped dad for reaching for his teeth, since he didn't notice B was almost a casualty, things settled. B's color evened out, and we all enjoyed our dinner. Though not without a few giggles and perplexed head shaking.

You never know what that boy will say.


  1. Poor thing. I know what its like to have a sensitive kid, my little one is sensitive smells & can almost puke on smell command!

  2. Awww-- and some people don't realize how hard it is to keep them from gagging. Mr. FixIt has shoved his cupped hands many times under her face in a restaurant to "catch" when she's lost it so it wouldn't be everywhere. I keep hoping it will get better with age, lol.


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