Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins

While cupcakes bake, I'm not missing Friday Fill-Ins this week!
Courtesy of Janet-

1. We need __a whole bunch of holiday spirit!! A couple thousand bucks to fall out of the sky would be nice too. hehe
2. _Talked to an old friend_ and it made me smile.
3. If you want _something done, get off your arse and DO IT!
4. __I'm a spazz at the moment_ because _I have 278 things on my to-do list for today to get ready for the next week. I'm on #4_.
5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think ___WTH?? I don't plan on ever living in Mass. or having $$$ or interest to DO any of those surgeries___.
6. __The kids excited (and my house in decent shape)_ makes for a happy holiday.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to __watching the kids dance and packing for next week___, tomorrow my plans include _having a great early holiday dinner/visit with the other half's family__ and Sunday, I want to _relax in the evening at the barn after truckin' the kids, dog and boatload of crap to West-by God-Virginy!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Any clues??

Why do I start projects the day before Mr. FixIt is due home from being out of town- when I've had all week?? Procrastination at its finest!! :-D

Monster Man's room has irked me since we moved in. Light blue carpet and the walls are slate gray with a grayish-blue sponge paint/swirly/splash overtop. It seriously clashes with the carpet...unless you stand all the way down the hall and look from afar, it kind of works. Also, it looks like a cave in there because of the dark, dingy colors. Several trips over the past couple years to Lowe's the kids and I have looked over paint colors. He STILL chooses red, he wants fire-engine red. Wow. So I talked him into using red with another color to liven and brighten it up. Don't want the room to turn into a RED cave.

Did I mention I started this project after re-arranging Monster Man's room?? Yeah, two walls clear, might as well paint! So after a day of cleaning, rearranging and painting, I have two walls done, one wall waiting second coat and the last wall half trimmed out. Need to second coat the second wall (long wall) and let it dry so I can move furniture and GET to the last wall to work on it.

During this little project I have discovered the reason not only for the sponge paint job, but also the two tone color. Hides 40 bazillion holes in the wall and the craptastic job someone did of removing, I assume, old wallpaper. Big rip slashes and chunks where the top layer of the drywall has been literally ripped off the walls. Nice. VERY noticeable when you cover with one solid color. Great. So I got the putty out and filled holes for over an HOUR after doing the first coat on the two walls. No lie. For missing chunks/layers of wall, a truck load of putty and a scraper the size of a coffee table might do the trick. So leveled and evened it out best I could with what coordination I had at 2 am. It will have to do. I see some humongous posters in Monster Man's future!

Alrighty, my break is over. I need to get a second coat on that long wall so it has time to dry so I can move furniture and get the last wall done - before dance tonight at 6! :-D

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hodge podge

Monster Man has been on a roll lately, evident in his assortment of Good and Not Good evening tally marks of the renewed behavior chart. For N days (not good) he has to go to bed early, no evening treat or special event the next day. Thankfully, by the third week of the resurrected behavior chart, he's had more G days, but the N days-wow. Insane. In attempts to have a 'G day,' Monster Man shocked me one morning by being up early, WITH his school books open and working! The boy had six school books open to the correct pages in the den floor, moving from one to the next. He did have the TV on, which is a no-no during school time, but as he was doing work without me threatening him within an inch of his life nagging and being mean mom/teacher, I let him go and redirected him to the table after break. On the negative, he was a pistol Saturday morning! AAARRGGHHH!! I held off strangling him in front of his dance team buddies- four N's (not good) on his behavior board in two hours. He went directly to his room until lunch was ready. That afternoon and evening was much improved. Sunday night, he drew a picture for me on his way to bed. Literally, grabbed the paper from the school shelf and pencil from the table, sitting down to draw on the living room floor in the path to the stairs. Two little stick people, one slightly taller than the other, holding hands with a heart above them. He brought it to me, "This is me and you because I love you Mom. I'm gonna have a G day tomorrow!" Just melted me. Little fart.
The kicker- this morning after the first round of school work, he announced he was going to the basement to play trains. Our basement is the equivalent of a ToysRUs that upchucked the Thomas Train and Play-doh sections in the plastic food aisle. Throw in a few huge Rubbermaid tubs, toy boxes, misc DVDs racking up my overdue tab from the Library. Cleaning the basement usually means several pick up race games which gets about half of it, then a second and sometimes third cleaning session of fussing, growling and frustration. Today, after hearing nothing but whistling, tracks being moved and singing, I was summoned to come look. Lo and behold, the basement floor was clean with the exception of a very interestingly and well-put together train track!! WOW- I was shocked and Monster Man was beaming!
Color the day a victory! Whew.

I talked to Mr. FixIt tonight from more than halfway round the world. He sounded tired and he's only been gone three days. He's been from meeting, to dinner, to presentation, getting very little sleep, to meeting...GOOD. They're keeping him busy! HA! Hehehe. He'll probably feel bad when he finds out I did leaves again today- until he realizes working on the yard consisted of me burning about a half tank out of the mower, mulching and bagging it! Woohoo! He knows better than to leave yard toys and power tools behind. I'll use them!

Very thankful for the recent beautiful days- awesome!! Took advantage of the not-yet-gloomy mornings to take down and wash curtains and windows in the living and dining rooms over the weekend. YUK- they seriously needed it! I gave the LR and DR a good dusting and B helped vac. The den is next on the list. I've had the house open as much as I can, at least until evening. Not sure smacked motivation into me, but over this gorgeous weekend, the kids and I also stripped/swapped all the bedding and ran about 3 bazillion loads of laundry. Somebody'd better check my temp- I must be feverish.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Shoulda cont'd & Life

(Keep in mind, this was written in early summer. Time to get it out!)

Originally, I didn't care who knew the details of me kicking out Mr. FixIt and our separation, but something has kept me from finishing a post about it. Maybe as much as I was pissed off, hurt and wanted to inform the world, the fight in my heart that I still love him made me hold off. I don't have the foggiest clue WHY as much as he's crapped on my love and trust, not to mention my self-esteem, my thoughts and well, me. I can't even explain why'd I'd still SPEAK to him!! Glutton for punishment I guess. Or way too forgiving and plain stupid. Take your pick! :-D So to sum it up: Cheating, lying, denial- repeat many episodes for many years. Now for the second half of Days of My Life... Ugh.

For years the cheating occurred when he was traveling, or when I was out of town. One example: I drove my baby 11 hours by myself through crappy weather from SC to OH to be with family on Easter and 5 minutes after I was gone he was arranging a meeting online. I called him on that one before Monster Man was even a thought. He denied anything going on, but I had the adult forum chat room proof. Proof he was online chatting up people and making dates, meeting people. He still denied it. I was crushed, a total wreck, though I never told anyone. Figured it was my fault. I shouldn't have left for the holiday without him ( he HAD to work.) I couldn't let my family and friends think bad of him, so I kept quiet. Then after another year or so, time had smoothed it over a bit when more evidence popped up. Letters. Cards. Emails. Calls to MY house. More denial. More disassociation. I just felt more guilt and low. Not long after this was when I figured out- it wasn't me. I'd done everything I possibly could to avoid giving him a reason to look elsewhere for ANYTHING. I'd busted my ass, taken care of house/kids/dogs/yard while he was out of town for days/weeks/months on end, made sure I gave plenty of bedroom time- even when sick or dead on my feet, I always tried to be positive, I didn't nag for him to do things, I didn't yell or fuss at him. If he was frustrated I gave him space. If he needed some time on his own for hunting or cars or motorcycle rides, I never complained- even when he was gone all week working, come home Friday night and then leave 4 am Saturday for a weekend of hunting. Yes, he did hunt- that one was not a cover, but it WAS an escape. Funny part was my BIL and his best friend, whom he spent all these weekends with getting hunting property ready and hunting all fall and winter, had NO clue any of this had happened. He was seriously shocked. Mr. FixIt was indeed VERY secret in his 'other life.'

Now?? After being gone for about 6 weeks, I asked Mr. FixIt to move back home...with condition that 1. Therapy continues. 2. Progress he/we are making will continue. He's gotten enough free passes so I'm not putting up with, "ok I can quit fixing it, I'm back home." If something bothers one of us, we have to discuss it. The therapist put it this way. We had so much time apart in the beginning, that's how we dealt with difficult times- apart, so we never really learned to discuss them. Tough times including his acting on his impulsive drive, constant need for attention

Also 'house' duties are being more evenly divvyed up. I am horrible at asking for help, because dangit, I can just do it myself!! I HAVE had to do it all myself for years. (not because he won't but from him being gone) He never hesitates to do anything I ask and often will load/unload dishwasher, even swap or fold laundry once in a blue moon on his own. He does cook quite often. Too often the 'man eyes' that don't see the stuff on the floor, glasses by the chair, odds-n-ends piling up in various corners and counters that get my blood boiling as it piles up and makes me crazy to get it all taken care of. Well, we discussed this and he admits he is horrible at noticing 'things' that need done. So he will try to notice what needs done around the house and help in more, and I will speak up when he doesn't! So far I have tried, though hard to do this after biting your tongue for years on end. I can be a tad stubborn too.

There are still many things I need him to admit to me, in detail. After tossing him out, he confirmed several of the events and meetings I'd suspected from years ago, previously denied. Though he's afraid divulging details will be too painful to me-- not knowing is far worse. I can't get him to understand that. He says details are painful to admit- tough caca dude. Should have thought of that before! So events I know, all the details of such events I don't yet. I want the when, where, what, etc. His therapist says the details won't make a difference, but to me it does. It may not do him good to hash it back out- too freakin' bad. He spent too many years of our life doing what he wanted. Time to MAN UP and confess. I want to know. I need to know. No matter how horrible or hard to hear. My brain has all sorts of ideas of what COULD have happened. I have a pretty vivid and creative imagination! The details are pretty ugly as I think they might have occurred. What he finally did admit to, though pathetic and repulsive, have been more tame and less occurring than I'd imagined. A few meetings here and there over several months' time, when my brain was stuck on daily/weekly trysts. Of course since he'd denied any wrongdoing for years, what was I to think?? I always had that 'gut' feeling on and off and according to those, I knew WHEN the infidelity struck, so far what he has admitted- I was right. I was always afraid to push the issue farther than just asking. He'd deny. I'd fold but knowing I wasn't getting the truth but terrified to continue; the 'truth' might be he didn't want me or love me and he'd leave. I'd grown up with Dad always telling me, that's not good enough, you CAN do better. I felt like I was still stuck I the same rut. I just wasn't good enough for him to love me, just me. I had to keep trying- it must be my fault. Those thoughts compiled in my brain and kept getting heavier and harder to get out from under after so many years. Again- my fault, right? I should be able to shake this off- right?

At least that's what I talked myself into for so long. Shaking it off, moving on. Whatever finally snapped in my head and decent medication later- I KNOW it's not just me. I might be submissive and avoid confrontation at all costs but years of trying to please him and sacrificing myself contributed to that mindset. He made me that way. (My father has to take a good chunk of that blame also.) Now I understand it.

His other life is out in the open now and no longer secret. He's even told people at work about it, which completely shocked me. He's talked to our neighbors and my family. He does seem serious about getting better, though the therapy, talking to me and not hiding things. I hope so. 'bout dang time!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Unlocking the skeletons

Three posts looming back in Finish Me PLEEEEASE Land will hopefully show up soon.  They are similar in content, but I started each with different attitude and mindset. The first one I began in a flurry of frustration, added to it, kept going back to try and finish it. About a month later, frustrated with it, I started over again with a new post.  Worked on it a few times, then ditched it too. A month after THAT, a third post was attempted, until today, still unfinished.  These are parts of an explanation of our family chaos this summer, at times when I just needed to get that garbage OFF my chest and out of my head. In recent attempts to salvage my musings, I combined two of them. What remains overlaps a bit here and there. Still have half a notion to just delete them.