Thursday, May 15, 2008

Exercise?? Yeah, right!

Don't freak out y'all... two posts in one day, I know you're shocked, but this is the week for contests apparently so listen up!

I found this hysterical, laugh until you cry and snort post linked on Crystal's blog from Three Kid Circus by Jenny. Do not drink while reading these blogs and have kleenex on hand..what a RIOT! I can't top either one of their stories, but I can describe my exercise nightmares for your enjoyment and to enter Jenny's contest. Here goes:

I don't mind exercise honestly. I love to do things that work up a sweat like working in the yard, push mowing like I did about 50/50 with hubby in previous years or playing with the kids and dogs, but those activities have goals that involve more than just me, so I do those activities with no problem. Exercise just for exercise on the other hand is very embarrassing to me. I don't do it in front of Mr. FixIt and if he walks in, I stop, I'm done! I just recently was able to work up the nerve to exercise in a hotel workout room on vacation (totally alone), three times int he same week. Maybe the fear of 60 extra pounds on my ass is scarier than someone seeing me tempt cardiac arrest at this point, I dunno. Also, working out takes time and between the kids and brood of critters that I have, plus work, I'm lucky to get 5 hours of sleep most nights anyway. Exercise KMA, I need SLEEP!

Anyway, this is what I have tried over the years:
Richard Simmons Dance Your Pants Off- The dancers are "real" people not all skinny, rabbit-food eatin' wenches. Which I thought was a good thing, but being the same size or close to some of the participants, I certainly don't want to watch myself jiggle and flab around either. Yuk. Richard Simmons gettin' pumped to "She Works Hard for the Money" was too much, I couldn't watch any more.

Cindy Crawford workout- Actually pretty good workout, if you can get over the fact that it looks like she's faking most of the moves and hardly sweats but chugs water like an alcoholic at communion. Really bad music.

Nordic Track- My mother's purchase actually. Her idea of "helping me" in college, though I was carrying full-time class load and working 30-38 hours a week. I barely slept, like I was gonna use this?? Ugh. I could at least manage the whole arm handle cord movements and feet sliding/skiing, but if you get going and mess up, your foot is hooked in this ski thing and the ski thing is guarded by metal parts at the ends so the ski can only move a few inches up and not come off, which means if you try to lift your foot because you lost your balance, you are stopped by a ski guard and will break your ankles or your arms falling off because your foot isn't coming out of that ski holder! Mr. FixIt gave it ONE try years later in effort to salvage it as "worth keeping" and after a prompt "No F#(king way!" it found a new home in the next yard sale. The manual and 10 years of dust were given as bonus accessories.

Tae Bo Billy Blanks- Really cool, but really kicked my ass...and the dog's ass. Stopped for benefit of my children's lives when they started motoring around on their own. Didn't figure a shoe print on the head would get me Mom of the Year award.

Exercise ball- Oh man. Maybe those skinny chicks can do that and it looks cool in an exercise sort of way, but I tried just balancing on one and looked like I was taking a dump. Scary to catch yourself in the mirror and that's the first thought you get in your head. I do THAT just fine in private and without rehearsal, thanks.

Bicycle- I like to bike, and I'm fairly coordinated, or maybe I was 50+ pounds ago, and I've only had a couple of bike accidents over the years, but the worst involved my daughter at about 2-1/2 or 3 years old, who thankfully was in a helmet and protective seat, like always. One week Mr. FixIt was out of town so not riding with us and my bike was having chain issues so I took the child seat off the back of my 10 speed and hooked it to Mr. FixIt's heftier more sturdy bike. He's taller than me, but not much by inseam, so I could ride his bike just fine. Got the child hooked in with helmet, and we tooled around the neighborhood seeing the sights and exercising my hiney without incident. Upon arriving home I stopped on the driveway and attempted to get off the bike, of course DD still strapped in her seat ON the back of the bike. The lip of my shoe, around the ankle, caught on the cross bar of the bike as I was pulling my leg over to get off, and I was stuck. My other leg was too far under me and twisted, up on my toes, I couldn't "hop" out of it and in trying to un-catch myself and not bust my ass, I completely lost my balance and the bike, kid+seat and all came tumbling over on top of me with my foot still hooked on the top bar. The poor child screamed "MAAMAAAAA!!" so loudly that the neighbors looked from three houses down in time to see the whole mess topple and they came running! F*CK! F*CK! F*CK! I tried to catch the bike and DD's seat on the way down to keep her from crashing hard, which I kind of accomplished because the top half of her seat (and therefore head/helmet) never touched the ground, but I near broke my wrist on the bike handles, bruised one leg and gashed the other shin on bars, pedals and gear teeth, and smashed up my elbow on the concrete. Neighbors helped untangle the whole mess and guarded the child from my oozing blood and profanity. She was really ok after her initial scream, but she begged for stroller rides instead of bike rides every evening after that. Poor kid.

Pilate's DVD- Bought it. Took off the plastic. Put it on the shelf. End of Pilate's attempt.

AB Roller - Have you seen a pic of this thing? Seemed to work, really tightened the abs but just a PITA in general and gave me a headache from the choppy rolling motion. The grip stuff kept peeling off and it had some funk odor to the rubber mat part. I caught one of my cats peeing on it. Guess they didn't like it either. TOSS!

AB Wheel- Relatively small piece of equipment with a wheel in the middle and a handle on each side of the wheel that looks pathetically easy though will cause your stomach to cringe and beg forgiveness after first use. Also not pretty when you slip and your face hits the wheel. Thank god I still have my teeth, though it did clear my sinuses instantly. If you have dentures, it would be wise to remove them before attempting this sick joke of a "machine." Better yet, a full helmet with face mask and mouth guard should be required. Gave away at a yard sale for FREE with liability waiver.

Tony Little's Gazelle- Bought one because my mom had one. I can hear my sister hissing "Spineless idiot!" over that one. Made my feet go numb after about 5 minutes, but I kept trying. I caught a neighbor guy one time looking in the lower half of my to-the-floor windows at me while I was working out on it, no lie. Only my feet were visible from outside because of blinds,but he was on the ground looking UP into my house like a school boy trying to see up the teacher's skirt saying with high pitch "Are you gazellin'?!" Stepped off with my numb feet and crawled in a hole for a week. Additional problem: Hazardous to Kids and critters! It requires 92 inches of open space from front to back to swing the legs. No wonder the golden retriever had seizures and one cat is dumb as a stump...smacked both of them square in the head in separate incidents. Gazelle is now in the basement corner surrounded by boxes for our protection awaiting next yard sale.

Tap Dance- I actually love to dance and the adult tap class I take is a lot of fun, even 30 years beyond what I once could do as a child, but "hoofin' it" in an almost 200-pound body is NOT a pretty sight. I'm usually in need of oxygen after about 15 minutes to boot. I seriously feel sorry for the other ladies I dance with. I should pass out blinders at the next class.

iGallop. I don't hardly think so.
None my stories are even close to the tales of embarrassment, including the iGallop, from Jenny's post, though I admit I saw one in a Brookstone catalog and seriously considered begging my sister to go half with me for our mom for Christmas since she has a basement full of all kinds of exercise equipment. I chickened out.

If you have not read either Jenny's or Crystal's posts yet (linked above) you need to go NOW, I mean it. You will not regret the next 10 minutes spent laughing your ass off! Enter the contest while you are at it :-D

So to sum up...

Total cost of equipment in attempts to "be fit": $3000+

Time off my life in near-death experience,injury or embarrassment: At least 13 years.

Wounds suffered by my critters in exercise-related accidents: 5 (KMA PETA).

The possibility of winning a Wii as a result of my fat arse and stupidity: PRICELESS!


  1. OMG, really, that iGallop thing was hilarios!

    But the AbWheel? My dad has one and I die laughing everytime I see it.

    Also, my nemisis was the thighmaster.

    None of my stories top Jenny's or Crystal's either but teary laugher ensued!

  2. I'm gonna have to see what I'm missing out on...this is funny! I'm with Mr. Fixit on the nordic track...


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