Though tomorrow is technically today, I haven't been to bed yet, so it will still be tomorrow. Sorry, one screaming headache and head full of snot from crying, one glass of wine plus one black cherry fizz cooler and I'm numb if nothing else.
I have given myself future time to think about what I really want since I made Mr. FixIt move out (yes, again) tonight. The kids were upset of course though neither one of them flinched as he was loading his car with bags and suitcases- they are too use to him leaving. Ironic, eh? Though when he called them into the den to talk with them, B said, "you aren't going to the apartment again are you??" Ugh. Well, as sad and as shocked as her face was with his answer, she was MORE shocked to learn he isn't going to the drag race with us tomorrow. I was originally going to let him take the kids while I stayed home, but thought "why? why should I miss out on a fun day?" Ok, I'm getting sidetracked. I don't regret having him move back in mid-June, I really don't. Though I am bothered that our positive progress in communication up to that point started to dwindle considerably with each passing week he was home. He was paying more attention to me, the kids, continued doing things around the house, but that brick wall was starting to build back up around him. I know the lack of communication is my fault as well- I wasn't asking the questions. I wasn't saying I was bothered as much as I should have. Though he'd been told my two conditions when I originally made him move out in May- get counseling and tell me the truth! (about what he's done over the years). Tonight he finally told me, confirmed some of what I suspected and dispelled others. What sucks is I had to make him leave again to get it out of him! Am I wrong to be bothered by that?? He give me "the story" AFTER he was packed, stuff in the car. Not that giving me details of his past flings would be easy, I knew that. But I certainly didn't expect it to get down to 'get your shit and get out' before I got those answers. Ugh. So now he's gone. I have my answers and as I thought, I'm not any more upset by them. Now maybe I can get over this or work through it. Questioning if I should. Why should I?? I've given my time, my chances. He says he's sorry, truly sorry like he's never understood he could be sorry before. Does sorry cut it?? After six different women over several years, not counting the ones in chats, photo swaps, phone sex, hotel calls, affair web sites, etc. Could I trust him again?? I don't think I could. I know I shouldn't even consider it- is that crazy?! I have over the last month and a half he's been home. I haven't questioned one thing. Though is that enough good behavior to make it worth overlooking many years of infidelity?? Is that fair to him for me to be constantly looking for betrayal?? Is it fair to me to continue looking or think I have to?? I really don't have answers other than I'm seriously fu-bared. Why do those we love the most fling the most jagged daggers???
Hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day. Today has sucked dirty dog guts.