Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Been a 'blah' few days, well make that weeks/months. I'm stuck in what I think I should do, what I want to do, what I think I need to do. * Ugh. I am horrible at making decisions for normal daily things- this is like torture. I usually think of the positives for every outcome...this time I can only think negatives of the choices I have.

*I have the back story in a prior note, yet unpublished. Every time I work on it and start to publish it, something stops me. I don't know why. So if none of this makes sense, I apologize. I'm getting it out and off my chest in chunks. I just have yet to post the worst portions.

I really don't want to be alone, but I'm my best on my own. Or at least I have been- I've been alone so much of the past decade and a half, those are my most productive times!
I don't want the kids to be upset, but I know they are resilient and will adjust.
I don't want to break off a long marriage, but I can't live always wondering what's happening behind my back.
I don't want to seem I'm giving up, but I feel I've given way too many chances and too much time to a lost cause already.

His weekly therapy was going well since I made him move out middle of May, and we were talking more for a month or so than we had in years--until I told him I wanted him to move back home. After a few weeks being home, he's back to clam-up mode. He did talk with the therapist about filling me in on details which I wanted to know (him not telling me is like still lying, continued denial- he could at least finally tell me the truth). Well two weeks after he worked through the 'details talk' with the therapist to have with me, nothing. I debated asking a question to start the conversation several times, but why should I?? Ok, yes, I'm being stubborn by not initiating the conversation. So he only has to be truthful when I drag it out of him?? Fuck that. He can be a big boy and pony up to all this crap over the years on his own. Well, it hasn't happened yet, though he KNOWS exactly that he needs to get this out and over with. I'm feeling I made a mistake letting him come back home. He helps with the kids. He helps with the house. He's not helping me- he's still not being honest with me. Nothing can be 'worked on' or 'fixed' until everything is on the table. Who, when, where- Is that too much to ask??

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