In case you were wondering, I've provided instructions.
1. Have hubby leave his car at the office and take company car on out-of-state trip, though not really his choice.
2. Have said car break down 4-1/2 hours from home.
3. Get up early for a parade. Drop kids off for a parade. Watch parade with fellow dance mom friends.
4. Take tired kids, who have walked the entire parade, and drive them 4-1/2 hours to meet stranded hubby. (but stop halfway for a Starbucks since you haven't had one for months and you have a splitting headache)
5. Get instant buzz in addition to cool burning sensation in your ears from Starbucks because the obviously NEW girl dumped half the bottle of peppermint flavoring in your grande-size cup. Totally makes your eyeballs bounce and ears feel 'light and fuzzy' while attempting to ignore the, "How much looooonger??' pleas from the back.
5. Threaten child with mortal wounding if he gripes ONE more time that 'he's BORED'
5. a. Apologize to Monster child but let him know he will be walking home if he continues to be rude and obnoxious.
5. b. Turn Pandora radio on phone as loud as it will go, singing over child whining with your ears on fire because you are in no man's land radioville, and the scum of the earth thieves took your audio adapter to play tunes through the stereo!!
6. Pick up uHaul car trailer and load PoS car that sounds like it's going to blow any second. Monster Man beating on the driveway with a shovel makes less noise. Have smallest child crawl through cracked open back door of POS car to roll up window that hubby climbed OUT of getting the car on the trailer.
7. Begin long trip home towing enormous, heavy beast car. Listen warily to the gas being sucked out of your truck like a 6 year-old chugging a Capri Sun.
8. Listen to Pandora Radio's Maroon5 station while it plays a song about how stupid a man is for cheating/losing his girl, but don't change it because you really want hubby to feel like a schmuck...plus it's a good song. Nobody make a move to change the station allowing the tense moment to fully bloom.
9. Pull over an hour from home in the dark because after the last toll booth you notice the trailer lights are no longer on.
9.a. Pull off the highway using a ramp where the re-entry ramp has been closed and blockaded.
9.b. Spend 45 minutes in the dark in the middle of nowhere replacing trailer connection wires (thanking yourself for having a spare for own trailer) and digging through fuses under hood and in dash to replace three blown ones.
9.d. Witness Hubby approach meltdown. Thankful kids are asleep at this point. Pat yourself on the back for having spare fuses hubby didn't know existed in the 'tub of tricks.'
9.c. Thank the good Lord for GPS on your phone & hubby decent w/ to get around blockaded re-entry and back to interstate through corn fields and abandoned factory ghost towns.
10. Arrive home and let kids go to bed w/o showers- nearing midnight. They're cranky, who cares.
11. Second Day: Once again, hubby sends the son in and out of cracked-open rear car door to turn the key on and put the driver window down. Kid climbs out. Husband climbs in window to start car and attempt to diagnose situation. Hubby back out. Situation deemed terminal after removing belts and testing pulleys. Husband BACK in and out window. Child back in to close window and slide out rear door.
12. Though hubby has previously used car haulers and various trailers, at this time, his attention moves to short straps on driver's side wheel coverings of trailer which allow the trailer fenders down for easy access into PoS car....no small child necessary.
a. Take a picture to capture the moment.
b. Rush inside to laugh your ass off and accidentally delete picture.
13. Go with hubby, truck, trailer and kids to dealership near hubby's work because HIS car is still at work from previous week so you need to go there anyway. Drop off trailer. Stop at hubby's work to drop him off and because kids want to visit.
13.a. Run into office hussy who has been in said hubby's pants, force a smile and enjoy her face going white when she suddenly realizes you are RIGHT behind hubby walking in the door. Try not to scratch out her eyes when she baby talks to your kids.
13.b. Re-live previous tense moment of #8 x 100.
13.c. Talk to her like nothing is wrong. Hold back urge to hurl, scream obscenities and beat husband with nearest office chair.
14. Drive home in rain and hordes of construction traffic, cussing husband and hussy silently in your head.
15. Give in to the kids and stop for fast food on the way home...after a weekend like that, the oven blowing up would just be icing on the cake, so why risk it?
Now, wasn't THAT Fuuuunn??