Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wednesy Wackday

That's exactly how the day started and screwed up as a football bat.   Started it ticked off,  ended it crying.  Not one of my finest.  Somewhere in the middle I managed to make coffee early and fell back asleep until it was off and cold, forgot to make two phone calls I should have for the past three days,  realized I hadn't even set foot in the laundry room for two days and still as I type this hadn't been in there yet,  YELLed at Monster Man and in total toddler fashion threw a fit- two counting blocks across a room to which he said 'That was AWESOME!" so I sent him to his room while I locked myself in a dark bathroom fighting to not flush my own head down the toilet,  I totally forgot to pay a bill and mother TRUCKER I am renewing that dang library book RIGHT NOW.....
Ok, done.  I should have purchased the library children's wing as it would probably have been cheaper!!  

Not to be outdone, Mother Nature is giving it both barrels today with high winds, dropping temps and blowing snow. Lovely. Thankfully she's dished out over a foot on my sister in NY instead of here- thank GOD for small favors! Hehe Love ya, J.

Mr. FixIt and I seem to be back to 'don't ask, don't tell' regarding what's bothering me or when things come up that we SHOULD be talking about.  Hence the crying end to this crappy day.  Having some after-kids-go-to-bed  ah hem ...exercise when emotion overtook me and all I could do was heaving sobs with 'who else?' and 'did the others get this?' running through my head. I mean seriously. Did they entertained by a get-er-done short version, some wham-bam thank ya ma'am quickie or did they get what I get? My time and attention?  How much of what is OURS has he given to others??? Then I got pissed off.  Then back to trying NOT to cry.   Did I say anything, did any of these questions dive from my brain and out my mouth??  Heck no, of course not!  Totally clammed up. Did he ask what was bothering me??  Nope. He did say he was sorry for making me cry. And what did I respond... "No, it's ok." Whiskey Tango Foxtrot....WAKE up DIPSHIT and SPILL IT!!  Nope. Nada. Zilch.  End of conversation. T minus 45 seconds to commence male snoring....................................................................................
annnnnd he's out.  And I'm down here slugging on my poor Macbook what my vocal cords could not formulate in person.  AAARRGGHHH!! Frustrating!

Maybe I need my meds adjusted or something. Looking back I am seriously swinging from pathetic cryer to outright wench, even with the kids Especially Monster Man. My patience has grown so thin with that boy and his school work. I have to keep taking a breath and reminding myself that being my kid is making lessons more difficult a task than being someone else's kid. Then try to think of strategy #458 to keep him focused and progressing in school work and game plan #7762 for his behavior.  I think God's sense of humor has become severely twisted.

With Mr. FixIt, sap mode to evil wench mode seems to flip flop at record speeds. Last week, he came home from hunting with B early (I just felt deflated and wanted to cry though I was proud of my girl for her first gun hunt) because they were the only two left to hunt and he said, "I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to spend some time I have off with you too!"           Really?? Didn't want to be alone, did you??  How about the days, mornings, nights I was alone while you were out screwing some chick?? Hmmm?? What about our quality time that is forever lost because you stayed at work long hours to hump the office whore??   As usual, none of those thoughts came out vocally,  just in my head. The broken record of self-torture when I think he fully deserves to hear all that, yet I have a hard time saying so.   Why??  Would someone please explain that to me??  It makes absolutely not a lick of sense. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better! :-D I shouldn't gripe because it could be a LOT worse. In a hundred ways worse.   To give tomorrow a decent shot I need sleep, so I'm off.  Thanks for the ears, eyeballs.  :-D


  1. I read this last night and I was thinking about you today! I thought for sure your comments would be overflowing so I came back over to see if anyone else said what I was thinking. So,IMHO, maybe you don't say anything because you are afraid to upset him? Think about what would happen if you really did say what you're thinking. Don't be afraid to show him how angry you are. I say go for it and let him know.

  2. One more thought, he will probably never ask. They never do. It falls to us to keep dragging the issue out, or they will always put it in the drawer and keep it shut. I say, talk, talk, talk, get mad, mad, mad, and get through it. You have the right to do that. You are worth it, or he wouldn't be there still. Use that to your advantage.

  3. O.K..First of all..Thanks for the reminder of the SNOW..that i am now buried under WITH the damn kids mind you..LOL..
    Second of all.....FUCK HIM...seriously...Stope being like mom....If your pissed let it out..if he hurts you ..lets it out..All keeping it in is gonna do is give you another ulcer.....Yes, I am divorced twice...probebly cause I don't play well with others..LOL...but dammit..don't lose your self respect. You are goregous, talented, smart and everybody loves you..but you always want to keep the peace cause you are afraid of rockin the boat and hurtign someones feelings. He lost the comfort of havign his feelings spared when first touched that keyboard....You have somethign to say..SAY IT!!...And when he turns on the tears..tell him to dry it up...shut up and listen..then give each other a hug and you will feel better. Letting him have whats running through your head is not throwing him out the door..its healing....YOU!!!
    Love YA!!

  4. Thanks gang. I know he needs to hear it and he's admitted he deserves to hear it as many times as I need to say it/get it out. The getting it out part is my problem. I just clam up. You're right, it does build up and make it worse. I'm not worried about causing an argument- a good argument would probably make me feel better-ha! I know he won't argue, He'll just plead 'sorry, I know, it's my fault' (at least he admits it now) and so far that doesn't change the "WHY?" in my head or explain how he could do such a thing.
    The worst confrontation with him I have are text messages and email...maybe I need to write it all down and READ it out loud. lol
    Hip- You're right, he will ask if I'm ok or what's bothering me, but he won't bring up THAT. He said he's afraid of upsetting me by bringing it up...does a day go by I DON'T think of it?? um, no.
    J- Thanks. You're right. Dang mom. LOL


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