Monday, October 31, 2011

I think I can, I THINK I can...

I've intended to blog for days weeks -who am I kidding?- MONTHS now, but every time I sit down with the MacBook in my lap, open to Blogger, I go blank. So much to write about and yet again, nothing spectacular except for the relationship stuff, though I figure no one wants to hear the sappy,  OMG I am so FREAKIN' happy tidbits... ok, well maybe later. 

Another Halloween is here, another cousin has gotten married, a great aunt hit 99 years old and I've been to Italy.  I guess that pretty much rocks, especially the Italy part!  But I go blank on getting it down in words. Maybe I should switch to a photo blog- pictures I can do. Words I seem to struggle with more as time goes on.  Check out my G+ link on my profile, you can catch my Flickr stream from there. You can see what I've been up to- way more interesting in picture form! 

I have learned over the last month that even when you are freakishly happier than allowed by law, depression can still wreck havoc with your brain and functioning. Thinking 'this is amazing,' I feel great and have felt wonderful for so many months, so without-a-doubt loved that I could try weaning off my meds....yes, slowly.  WRONGO!  I was only two weeks in to the stepping-down process and had formed into this constant blubbering pile of nothingness, crying over songs on the radio, feeling stabbed by comments that were in no way meant to be insulting or hurtful in any way, and tired. I was so stinkin' tired- all I wanted to do was sleep and disappear.  It was horrible.  More proof that this disease is some serious chemical malfunction in the brain and in no way 'attitude.'  Wow. Knowing the difference now, I don't know how I dealt with the ex's extraneous ways for so long without medication. Maybe the denial or attempt to believe it wasn't happening was self-preservation by what WAS functioning in my brain. Who knows??   Though my Knight dealt with me like a trooper, kept his sanity somehow ( I swear he's a saint) and I realized even being well loved and cared for, it was not going to 'fix' me. He definitely deserves better than me being a mess. Ok, well a depressed mess...I still am a bit wacky, have ADD fits and the boxes and totes in the front room I have yet to unpack or find place for... I'll get to it eventually. 

Ok, happy tidbits forewarning-  I have never felt so loved, so worth being a part of something, so truly wanted in my life!  I am so blessed and very lucky to be given this chance with my Knight. As much as I knew we'd be good together, I never had a freaking clue it would be this awesome!!  Pinch me, I swear I'm dreaming!!  Better than dreams! 

BTW- the 99-year-old aunt is constantly on my butt about getting married, to do this right. Well, I know this is right. I spent years of a marriage trying to make it right and believe it was right, it doesn't seem fair to consider that THIS falls under the same term. Besides, I can't get divorced and married in the same will that look??  Well according to AuntA, it would be fine!  She cracks me up, I love her so much!! 

Oh hey, forgot to mention, I've lost 15 pounds*!!  Being blissfully happy is apparently good for my arse too!!  Again, who knew?? 

Well, it's 3 am, I have a foot gone numb, a cat sleeping across my wrists on the Mac and my battery is about to give up the ghost. Speaking of ghost, I watched Long Isl@nd Medium tonight- how awesome!   Also watched a couple episodes of Sister Wives. I so love that show, the feeling of family you get from them is just wonderful. Not that I could do what they do, but wow, what an awesome connection those wives have and growing with their kids as a big family, like true sisters.       Oh, sorry got distracted.  I need some sleep.  G'night!! 

*Truthfully I know I lost most of that WALKING all over God's gorgeous creation called Rome, Italy, for 5 days.  Starting to faithfully take my ACE has helped no doubt by keeping me from wanting to snack in the evenings.  See 'Want the Skinny?' link above.