Shoulda cont'd & Life

(Keep in mind, this was written in early summer. Time to get it out!)

Originally, I didn't care who knew the details of me kicking out Mr. FixIt and our separation, but something has kept me from finishing a post about it. Maybe as much as I was pissed off, hurt and wanted to inform the world, the fight in my heart that I still love him made me hold off. I don't have the foggiest clue WHY as much as he's crapped on my love and trust, not to mention my self-esteem, my thoughts and well, me. I can't even explain why'd I'd still SPEAK to him!! Glutton for punishment I guess. Or way too forgiving and plain stupid. Take your pick! :-D So to sum it up: Cheating, lying, denial- repeat many episodes for many years. Now for the second half of Days of My Life... Ugh.

For years the cheating occurred when he was traveling, or when I was out of town. One example: I drove my baby 11 hours by myself through crappy weather from SC to OH to be with family on Easter and 5 minutes after I was gone he was arranging a meeting online. I called him on that one before Monster Man was even a thought. He denied anything going on, but I had the adult forum chat room proof. Proof he was online chatting up people and making dates, meeting people. He still denied it. I was crushed, a total wreck, though I never told anyone. Figured it was my fault. I shouldn't have left for the holiday without him ( he HAD to work.) I couldn't let my family and friends think bad of him, so I kept quiet. Then after another year or so, time had smoothed it over a bit when more evidence popped up. Letters. Cards. Emails. Calls to MY house. More denial. More disassociation. I just felt more guilt and low. Not long after this was when I figured out- it wasn't me. I'd done everything I possibly could to avoid giving him a reason to look elsewhere for ANYTHING. I'd busted my ass, taken care of house/kids/dogs/yard while he was out of town for days/weeks/months on end, made sure I gave plenty of bedroom time- even when sick or dead on my feet, I always tried to be positive, I didn't nag for him to do things, I didn't yell or fuss at him. If he was frustrated I gave him space. If he needed some time on his own for hunting or cars or motorcycle rides, I never complained- even when he was gone all week working, come home Friday night and then leave 4 am Saturday for a weekend of hunting. Yes, he did hunt- that one was not a cover, but it WAS an escape. Funny part was my BIL and his best friend, whom he spent all these weekends with getting hunting property ready and hunting all fall and winter, had NO clue any of this had happened. He was seriously shocked. Mr. FixIt was indeed VERY secret in his 'other life.'


Now?? After being gone for about 6 weeks, I asked Mr. FixIt to move back home...with condition that 1. Therapy continues. 2. Progress he/we are making will continue. He's gotten enough free passes so I'm not putting up with, "ok I can quit fixing it, I'm back home." If something bothers one of us, we have to discuss it. The therapist put it this way. We had so much time apart in the beginning, that's how we dealt with difficult times- apart, so we never really learned to discuss them. Tough times including his acting on his impulsive drive, constant need for attention

Also 'house' duties are being more evenly divvyed up. I am horrible at asking for help, because dangit, I can just do it myself!! I HAVE had to do it all myself for years. (not because he won't but from him being gone) He never hesitates to do anything I ask and often will load/unload dishwasher, even swap or fold laundry once in a blue moon on his own. He does cook quite often. Too often the 'man eyes' that don't see the stuff on the floor, glasses by the chair, odds-n-ends piling up in various corners and counters that get my blood boiling as it piles up and makes me crazy to get it all taken care of. Well, we discussed this and he admits he is horrible at noticing 'things' that need done. So he will try to notice what needs done around the house and help in more, and I will speak up when he doesn't! So far I have tried, though hard to do this after biting your tongue for years on end. I can be a tad stubborn too.

There are still many things I need him to admit to me, in detail. After tossing him out, he confirmed several of the events and meetings I'd suspected from years ago, previously denied. Though he's afraid divulging details will be too painful to me-- not knowing is far worse. I can't get him to understand that. He says details are painful to admit- tough caca dude. Should have thought of that before! So events I know, all the details of such events I don't yet. I want the when, where, what, etc. His therapist says the details won't make a difference, but to me it does. It may not do him good to hash it back out- too freakin' bad. He spent too many years of our life doing what he wanted. Time to MAN UP and confess. I want to know. I need to know. No matter how horrible or hard to hear. My brain has all sorts of ideas of what COULD have happened. I have a pretty vivid and creative imagination! The details are pretty ugly as I think they might have occurred. What he finally did admit to, though pathetic and repulsive, have been more tame and less occurring than I'd imagined. A few meetings here and there over several months' time, when my brain was stuck on daily/weekly trysts. Of course since he'd denied any wrongdoing for years, what was I to think?? I always had that 'gut' feeling on and off and according to those, I knew WHEN the infidelity struck, so far what he has admitted- I was right. I was always afraid to push the issue farther than just asking. He'd deny. I'd fold but knowing I wasn't getting the truth but terrified to continue; the 'truth' might be he didn't want me or love me and he'd leave. I'd grown up with Dad always telling me, that's not good enough, you CAN do better. I felt like I was still stuck I the same rut. I just wasn't good enough for him to love me, just me. I had to keep trying- it must be my fault. Those thoughts compiled in my brain and kept getting heavier and harder to get out from under after so many years. Again- my fault, right? I should be able to shake this off- right?

At least that's what I talked myself into for so long. Shaking it off, moving on. Whatever finally snapped in my head and decent medication later- I KNOW it's not just me. I might be submissive and avoid confrontation at all costs but years of trying to please him and sacrificing myself contributed to that mindset. He made me that way. (My father has to take a good chunk of that blame also.) Now I understand it.


His other life is out in the open now and no longer secret. He's even told people at work about it, which completely shocked me. He's talked to our neighbors and my family. He does seem serious about getting better, though the therapy, talking to me and not hiding things. I hope so. 'bout dang time!!